Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Please Help Me Find My Happy Place

This is perhaps the most difficult post I have ever written.  It is certainly the saddest.  Really…..this blog is supposed to be my joy, the place where good feelings and good things happen.  But sometimes, I think we have to express the bad in order to return to the good happy places in our lives.  Certainly, I am not one to say, “I’ll see you in a few weeks, I have things that need taking care of.”  I would rather reach out to you……my friends in Blogland, and ask for your support, prayers, and maybe a few shoulders to lean on at a very difficult time.  So please if you will just “stick” with me for a couple of weeks, I think it will be much easier if I can just write it all down.

My Mother died unexpectedly this weekend. 

Her health had not been good for about ten years.  She had had a brain aneurysm ten years ago, behind the frontal lobe, and like patients that you may have seen on television, she had a complete personality change.  She became very angry, uncooperative, and depressed.  This was multiplied a thousand times when my Father passed away five years ago from cancer.  She missed him terribly and never really recovered from his death.

My Mother refused, I mean absolutely refused to seek any medical attention.  The last time she had had any serious medical help was when she had brain surgery.  The last time that she had been to the doctor was when they took the staples out of her head from the brain surgery.

So……she was a handful.  My brother and I and Heather had all begged her many times to get a physical.  We knew that she had high blood pressure and who knows what else.

Yesterday, at about 5:00PM we received a call from my Mother’s neighbor.  She said that there were several days newspapers out front, the house was locked and she couldn’t get any response either from the doorbell or the phone.  I of course just KNEW just knew that something was terribly wrong.  It just so happened that we had all talked to her Friday.  My aunt had tried to call her Sunday and had gotten no answer but that wasn’t too unusual.   She may have gone shopping or to Wal-Mart. 

I called my brother on his cell and told him that I would meet him at mother’s house.  I didn’t want him going alone or vice versa.  Thank GOD my Hubby was with me.

My brother had a key to the house but the front glass door was locked.  NOT a good sign at all.  So he just grabbed the handle and simply ripped it off.  Only to discover that the door was bolted from the inside.  He only had a key to the other lock.  We quickly decided that we should go around back and see if we could get in that way.  We went around to the side and the gate was chained shut.  I don’t know how he did it, but he just ripped the stockade gate open.

So…….this is where it gets so horrible so so sad, I just can’t stop crying. 

We ran into the side yard, him in front, me a little behind him, and then my Hubby.  I heard my brother start yelling and cussing and then I rounded the corner into the back yard. 

My Mother was lying face down on the ground, dead.  I don’t mean to be too graphic, but this was Monday evening and we determined that she had probably been there since sometime before noon Saturday. 

No one, no one should ever have to see someone that they love like that.  It was the most horrible indescribable thing that I have ever experienced.  I saw her and just started screaming and screaming and crying and my Hubby grabbed me and hugged me against him and wouldn’t let me go any closer.  It was just beyond awful. 

We think that she had taken her dog out in the backyard to potty and then probably had either a stroke or a heart attack.  My husband assures me that she died instantly.  Her head wasn’t turned to the side.  Just straight into the ground. 

So the shock has just been unbearable for all of us.  It was so surreal to walk into her house and see everything in place, just as she had left it. 

So I beg you to just bear with me.  I actually am quite a bit better today.  It’s just that trying to make sense of something that is impossible to make sense of takes a little while to come to terms with.  We had discussed the possibility that she might just drop dead some day because she didn’t take care of herself, but for some reason I always thought that I would see some signs of deterioration in her health as a warning sign.  She had seemed just fine when we all talked to her Friday.

So here we are.  We have already begun sorting through bills and trying to figure things like that out.  With as much “stuff” as she had, we think that it will take several months to go through everything.  I tell you, the woman taught me well!  She was the queen of shopaholics!  I found probably fifteen items in her closet with the tags still on!  So onward we trudge, and I hope this story wasn’t too…..I don’t know……disturbing.  I know it sure feels good to just “get it out” as it were.  I’ve already found some wonderful family treasures that I didn’t know she even had.  I know that it will be fun to share all of my little finds with all of you as we proceed.  So just be patient!  I promise not to be a slobbering mess for too long!  I really am doing much better than I expected. 

Tomorrow we go to the funeral home.  But honestly, after what we experienced, the rest is a “cake walk” as they say.



  1. I am not going to try and say anything soothing to you because nothing will soothe you at this point. Just to say I know the deep deep pain of losing a mother and of living with another parent with a mental disorder so I can understand and empathise with some of what you feel. I am so sorry for the horrible circumstances and horrendous shock you are all be feeling and thank God that you all have each other. Praying for you all now. xx

  2. So very sorry to read about what you are going through. It seems there were a lot of sad posts this past weekend but I feel it is cathartic to write about these events in our lives. Hang in there. There are better days ahead.

  3. I will keep you in my thought and prayers...just recenlty loosing both my parents the heart knows the strain..Bless you for letting it out and not letting it eat away at you...lets Us help and we will come to your rescue if even from afar...hugs for you and you family... cry on the shoulders of your followers that why we visit sorry..

  4. Dear Denise, I'm so, so sorry for your great loss. I hope coming here to your blog to write about it and visit friends will help you get back to your happy place. xo, suzy

  5. Dearest Denise,
    I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.

    My Mom had a stroke three years ago and went through the whole personality change, being combative, depressed, etc so I know exactly what you are talking about.

    I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope writing about this on your Blog helps you. We are here for you.


  6. I wish I had something great and profound to say. I am speechless...I was wiping away tears as I read your story. So sad, so tragic and so unfair. Your right, no one should have to see their loved one like you did. I am praying for healing of your heart and mind. I am praying

    I am so very sorry for your loss.


  7. My heart goes out to you. It's so hard as our parents get older. My father suffers from severe dementia and is no longer the father I know. I'm so sorry that you had to see what you saw. I pray that God will wrap his arms around you and give you the peace that only HE can give.


  8. I'm so sorry! We'll be praying for your family in this trying time. What a shock for you all!

  9. Oh Denise, I am so sorry that you had to find your mother like that. I know how bad the pain is, but to heal we must go through that strong pain.
    You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers....julie

  10. Oh my, I'm wrapping my arms around you with a hug as you read this. I'm sooo very sorry for your loss and the way everything transpired. I'll be praying for you and yours. Please take care. God be with you. LindaSonia

  11. Father God, Lord Jesus, Holy Spirit ~ Wrap Denise and her family in Your wonderful arms and hold her tight through this whole ordeal! Keep peace in her heart and surround her with your glorious angels. Protect her thoughts and fill her with Your Love ~ Amen

  12. I can't imagine what you are feeling now, but look to God and your family & friends for comfort and guidence. Your Mom is at peace and in a wonderful place now and she's smiling down on you and your family - have peace in knowing that. I lost my Dad 5 years ago and it's still painful, but I have peace in knowing that I will see him again someday! God is wonderful and he will see you though this - look to Him! We pray for you and your family.

  13. Oh Denise, I'm so sorry you had to experience all that. I cannot even fathom what that must have been like. I wish I had some beautiful words that would touch you and make some of the pain go away, but of course, I don't. Only know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family to heal as quickly as possible. You have lot's of friends here in blogland so I'm sure God will hear all of our voices and take care good of you.


  14. I can't imagine experiencing something that hard. I'll be praying for you and your family through this difficult time. Take as much time as you need to grieve.

  15. Ohhh Denise, sweetheart, I am so, so sorry and very sadened to read your terrible news. Oh hun, words cannot express how sad I feel for you sweet, my thoughts and love are with you and your family at this terrible time. But try and keep your chin up, don't bottle up your feelings, talk about your Mother and celebrate her life... Time is a healer and slowly you will be able to cope with your loss. Sending you lots of hugs, Mandy xx

  16. Dear Denise,
    You are so strong to be able to even write to us. I completely understand that you need time. Take as much time as you want. It took me a long time to get over my dad passing away at our home. I was a basket case.
    You never have as much time as you'd like with them but don't beat yourself up about it. You did what you could and that's what you have to keep reminding yourself of.
    Know that we will be here for you if you need to talk about it.
    Sending you hugs and good thoughts,

  17. Oh Denise, I wish I could be there to just wrap you up in my arms and tell you in person how very sorry I am. You shouldn't have had to find her that way and I am crying for you now. You already know to remember the good times, you already know that things will get easier, but it's right now that is hard and I am so sorry. Just know that we are all holding you in our hearts and that a thousand prayers are being sent heavenward for you. I will be thinking of you in this time of hardship, dear friend.

  18. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Keep on reaching out to your friends for they will help you thru this most trying time. I will keep you and yours in pray. Linda

  19. Denise, I cannot even imagine going through what you and your family did on Monday. There is never a right thing to say at a time like this, except to tell you that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.


  20. Hi, I am so sorry to hear about your loss and that you found out that way. Wishing you and your family all the best in this trying time, my thoughts are with you sweet friend, x

  21. I am so sorry for your loss and what you've had to experience. I will pray for you.

  22. i just found your blog, i am so sorry, at least she wasn't in pain and suffering, and now she is with your father and they are together, i hope your heart starts to feel better and only good memories are left and this one, of what you saw, will fade.

  23. I am so sorry to hear this news I can't even put it into words. How sad and sudden is your grief I can't even begin to inmagine the pain you are experiencing. My prayers go out to you and your family in this time of need.

    Take care my friend. We will all be hear to listen if you need us. ~Melissa

  24. I'm sorry you and your family are going through such a terrible shock.

    After my grandmother died my grandfather grieved so. He couldn't get over the fact she died first he was quite a few years older and honestly never thought he'd be the one left behind. My sister went to his home for lunch one day on her lunch hour and the house was like your experience locked up. What a sad discovery. We always wondered if he stopped taking his heart medication..he was just so lonely. It sounds like your mom wasn't at all the woman she had been too. Oh this getting old business is so scary.
    Peace be with you,

  25. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during such a painful time. Sending you ((hugs)) and vibes of comfort and peace.


  26. I am so sorry for your loss. My Mother lives alone out in the country with no neighbors. We try to call her every day but if we don't get an answer, we panic. She refuses to move into town. I feel the pain that you feel so deeply. I am so afraid that we will find her the same way as you did your Mother. Bless you and your family during this time. I will be praying for you and may you have comfort in knowing that she is at peace.
    Debbie from Houston

  27. Denise amor, my heart breaks for you, we lost my dad in March to lung cancer, they said he had 6 months..we got 3 weeks...I don't know which is worse, knowing the time is limited or losing someone you love w/o getting a chance to say goodbye, but I do know this...the pain is heartbeaking either way. I wish I could sheild you from the pain...Take your time finding your own way...there is no acceptable time table for you to feel better and get on with your life. Feel what you need to feel and never feel the need to make excuses for your pain. Be well sweetie, and I hope your family comes together stronger for each other. It has taken me months helping my mother to deal with my fathers estate...sometimes I still cry from the frustration...but I am so thankful that I could be there for my mom when she needed me most. Stay strong amor...let everyone you love give you their love and support and be smart enough to take it. Sending you love and strenth...Rose

  28. Dear Denise, I can not imagine what you have gone through, or are going through now. Oh my gosh, I am so sorry it happened this way. Please feel free to "blubber" as much as you want, even in an email to me. I felt something was up when I hadn't heard from you in a few days. I am with you in thought and spirit, and I am praying for you and your family.

    You are so smart to share your treasures on your blog eventually. This will help in your grief process I am sure. Do this in your own way. Don't feel guilty or pushed to do something or other, do it your way in your time.

    One thing to keep in mind... when someone asks if they can do something, let them. You can't do everything yourself, and sometimes doing something for another person is the only way we can express our caring or love. Accept those gifts from people.


  29. I can only say what I say to myself when I am faced with the un-faceable:

    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdome to know the difference."


  30. Peace and blessings to you and yours - may it be a small comfort that there are folks out here, far and wide, sending you goodness and warmest wishes.

  31. This is my first visit to your blog and I just wanted to say that you and your family are in my prayers. I lost my mom in 2005 very unexpectedly and know that nothing can be said to take away your pain but please know that I will praying for peace and healing for your family!


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